Moving genetic mountains - When being right isn't right!

Given the genetic/biological connection between my wife and daughter it is not surprising that they are very similar. They both have a strong sense of what is "right" in any situation and a belief that if something is in their head they have every right to express it. Similarly neither find apologising easy. I guess they see it as a sign of weakness and anyway they are right so why would they need to.

While I cannot claim or accept any responsibility for my wife's early development, with my daughter we did agree that in today's world it would be best if she could stand up for herself and not be a shrinking violet. In that, I think it is fair to say we succeeded.

Now as my daughter enters her late teens the "contract" between her and her parents, most specifically her mother, is changing. My daughter has (even) more views of her own, is developing her own circle of friends and interests and tastes. She is looking to make more of her own decisions.

This is, I believe, all standard stuff and when the two of them are aligned, as they are sometimes, the combination is awesome. The trouble is when there is a difference. In these instances the situation often spirals out of control as neither will give an inch and in fact becomes more and more entrenched.

They remind me this picture

 

each digging in deeper and deeper.

 

 

This can be over the smallest things, but often feels like World War 3.

 

It would be easy if one was right and the other wrong, but that is rarely the case. It is just that once started neither will give in.

 

As the only man in the house, husband to one and father to the other, I am frequently accused of just giving in to the "other one". Harsh words are spoken and each expects me to chastise the other.

 

As is my wont and style I try and look at what is the best overall outcome and seek to make it happen. In doing so I win few brownie points with either, but in all conscience I can rarely totally back one against the other - the situations and behaviours are rarely that clear cut.

 

My inclination is that my wife as the "adult" should be the one to rise above the oft time petty squabbles, but at the same time as my daughter becomes a woman she needs learn the skills and realities of adult life.

 

I had a chat with my daughter about fighting the battles that need fighting and letting some of the rest go; to keep a focus on the bigger wins and maybe concede a couple of points to achieve her main objectives. It was not an easy conversation as she, my daughter, does not see she has done anything wrong (ever!) and refuses to embrace the concepts of compromise or social investment. I tried to explain that being right and telling everyone that you are, is not always the best way - but she can't or won't see that.

 

I have tried to explain and show each that their behaviour is what is provoking what are now predictable reactions and unless one breaks the cycle it will continue. I have advised against using txt messages to converse as it is so easy to have subtle (and not so subtle) yet unintended misunderstandings.

 

May some of it is sticking, but it is not obvious. I am usually home an hour after my daughter, by which time hostilities have usually commenced and I am fighting a reargaurd action. It is good that I have always been self-sufficient in that I can cook and look after myself and that with our second TV room I can take myself out of it when it is too much.

 

Pink, the singer, wrote a song entitled "Conversations with my 13 year old self". I wonder what my daughter might think of saying to herself when she looks back?

 

Meantime I will don my flak jacket, hold aloft my flag of neutrality and lubricate my best diplomatic tongue. I will see if we can't navigate the next few months. I don't want to choose and neither can or will I. I don't want to lose either, but they may lose each other.

 

I just hope that in time things will improve and meantime I will endeavour to remain a rock in a stormy sea.

 

 

There are so many lists on the internet that I wonder if there is one of the ten best bits of advice for a teenager and even if there was, is there any chance they would take it onboard?