Empathetic Tenacity ........ all embedded in good manners.

The other evening I found myself being unexpectedly, but decidedly interviewed for as yet I know not what. That is what makes life interesting.

One of the questions I was asked was how do I deal with a very difficult person - it turned out eventually that they "difficult" they had in mind related to professional actuaries.

Before I knew the specifics the best I could relate to were characters I have met in trading rooms and corporate finance. I crafted my response around those instances and seemed to satisfy the enquiry as the discussion progressed and became more open.

This morning that conversation came back to me and I was think how would I answer the question better if it comes up again.My conclusion was that "empathetic tenacity .... all embedded in good manners" is my snappiest, yet most accurate answer.

Dissecting that phrase in reverse order, I believe that there is little or no excuse for not having good manners. Now we can debate exactly what these are, but the generalities of "please" and "thank you" are a start, as is an appropriate degree of respect for the other person whatever their relative ranking in an organisation or society. This does not mean being obsequious or fawning. A good question to ask is "would my mother be proud of how I am acting with this person?"

Now to "tenacity", this is about demontrating staying power and purpose. That is not the same as obstinacy, but rather if one is rebuffed, clarifying to the other party what you need to do, why and by when; bouncing back with a suggestion to meet again at another date or indeed alternative ways to work together.

One has to judge every situation on its needs and merits, but the key is that the "difficult party" gets the silent message "I'll be back!", Arnolld Schwarzenegger said in The Terminator.

The "empathetic" bit, probably comes from the people side of me. At my core I think the best of the people I work with and that if they are behaving badly there is a reason. If I can understand that reason I can work my way around it.

Of course there are exceptions, but they are usually sorted out quite quickly by the collective (the same way thugs were sorted when I used to play rugby!).

If I can understand the reason I can then, a bit like some of the martial arts, find ways to nullify them or indeed use them to deliver my requirments. Understanding the environmental elements is important, knowing when to walk away with a smile and discerning when might be a better time is invaluable. Similarly understanding how they assimilate information and indeed when the do it best(morning, afternoon, in the office, over a coffee, etc, etc).

When it comes to assimilating information, some handle written words better, others handle spoken words, some need everything in numbers, while others "see" pictures. Some like to understand the big picture first while others seek detail immediately. A mismatch between what a person seeks and what they are being given is often the source of the "difficulty". I look to bridge the gap. to either provide joining context, or at times to re-present information in another form. This can go a long way to winning over a difficult person and make you a valuable (and trusted?) "translater".

Sometime I need to be prepared to hear something else first before I can get to what interests me. Listening is an important skill, both to what is said and what is not said.

If in doubt you can always seek advice from one of their colleagues or someone else who appears to be more successful than you in dealing with this person.

There are two things not to do, at least in my opinion. The first is to resort to bullsh*t or blagging; instead admit what you don't know and seek enlightenment from the person and/or make sure you do your homework for the next time. If someone wants to be difficult and you give them an opportunity to persist in their bad behaviour then they most likely will, with interest.

The other thing is not to go "toe to toe", ie don't try and fight them at their game; they are almost certainly better at it than you are. Instead when a meeting heads for the mire, stay above it and live up to your standards and not down to "theirs"!

There may be other ways to deal with difficult people, but this set of responses has served me pretty well and allowed me to sleep at night.