How to survive Christmas....

...or "The Negotiation Ritual"

With the news that Christmas is the time when the most marriages breakdown and families row, I am reminded of something that may help you survive - it is the Negotiation Ritual.

This was taught to me over 20 years ago by an eminent and very experienced negotiator and trainer called Hank Calero (now dead). His contention was that any successful negotiation had to go through seven steps. While there was no requirement for a particular step to take five minutes, five days or even five years, his belief was that if anyone tried to shortcut or avoid any of the steps, then they would necessarily be pulled back to address it before there could be a successful conclusion.

I did have his book from that course but made the mistake of "lending" it to someone who never returned it and I lost track. The book is long out of print and I am not sure if I could locate it, but a friend did manage to find me an old hardback copy of "Winning the Negotiation"

The Ritual is:-

• Introductory Phase - this acquaints the participants
• General Overview - a chance to let the other party sense your initial goals and feelings without giving away too much else
• Background Music - this is where each side gives its sense of context and the route to the current negotiation, helps give perspective
• Definition of Issues - there are usually four areas, your needs, their needs, mutual needs and hidden needs; this is where the landscape of conflict and understanding of what needs addressing. It is important to uncover everything that needs addressing.
• Conflict Phase - There may have been resistance, defensiveness and hostility before, but this is where the real volleys come out and the level of conflict rises.
• Fallback and Compromise - this is where, having identified issues and established the conflicts between you, you explore the possibilities of compromise. Why else would you be negotiating?
• Agreement in Principle/Settlement - without authority one can only agree in principle, with authority one can settle, either way this is where the details of compromise(s) is described and agreed.
• Post Settlement - A hand shake and smile do not end a sucecssful negotiation. The agreed items have to be brought to life, without that the negotiation is void and one will have to return to the table again.

 If you find yourself fighting over the Christmas TV schedule, seating plan or something more serious then an awareness of this ritual could well help you navigate to a successful conclusion.

I do hope you don't need it, but will commend you to return to the subject in the new year and brush up your skills in this field - we end up using it so much so our competence is better being conscious than accidental.